Goodbye For Now Dear Brother

So this is a post I've had in draft for the past year, I haven't been strong enough to post it.....but I think it's time and I now need to for my own healing.....though I will never be whole again in this life.

After Devin's epic fail GI appointment Wednesday morning I went to IMC to see my brother...I hadn't been able to bring myself to go back to that hospital that holds some really awful memories for me, and I couldn't bring myself to see my invincible big brother so sick and weak and well...yellow. I'm so glad I faced my mental daemons and spent the day "with" him and my family.  He only had one coherent moment with me.  My mom stayed with Devin out in the waiting room while I went in to see him for the first time since Christmas....my dad and Jen were already in there.  I made it about three steps into the room before completely breaking down...completely.  I couldn't and didn't want to admit it but I knew in that moment I was loosing my big brother from this mortal life, and the feeling of a semi-truck hitting me full on at freeway speeds hit me, and I could barely breath among the sobs.  At that moment he looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes that my Devin boy has and I knew he was coherent(as much as he could be at that point) and I pulled myself together and told him that he looked like the Hulk...only completely the wrong color.  He chuckled a ever so tiny of a chuckle with not so much a smile as a smirk and told me "ya".  That was my last real moment with my big brother.  The rest of the day was a roller coaster of hope and loss of hope.  Tony came and got Devin as we were finishing up lunch in the cafeteria(which I ate very little of), and took him to pick up Elizabeth from my cousin Mary's house. Eric at that time was having an Endoscopy done to see if they could find any internal bleeding in that area of his body.  They had great hope of fixing Eric at that point, after the procedure the hope dwindled exceedingly, and I completely fell apart again. I was in no way the rock through this process, that title would go more to my dad and mom. Jen and I held on to each other as we walked back to his room, he was now on a ventilator along with about 20 IV's and constant dialysis machine. They told us to have family come at this time so calls were sent out and many of our family came, and we cried together and there was an unspoken mutual feeling that this was goodbye to our favorite red head. Somewhere in here I text Tony that Eric was dying and that I needed him, so he rushed back to IMC with our kiddos in tow.  I tried to protect Elizabeth from knowing what was happening until I knew how to talk to her about it but it was unnecessary as she is as she has always been too smart for her own good.  As I situated them in the waiting room away from everyone else Elizabeth said to me, "Uncle Eric is dying.  That's why everyone is so sad." So I told her yes he was, and she told me she was really going to miss him and that he was the best tickler ever. I held my gorgeous girl tightly and told her that I was really going to miss him too, and that it was ok to feel sad.  Ketty being the AMAZING person she is came and took our kids with her.  Tony told me that Elizabeth told her that Uncle Eric was dying...but it's okay because he'll be resurrected, and we'll see him again.  Oh the wonderful faith of my five year old! Around 5:30 we were told that he was being kept alive only by machines and that it would be respectful to him to not keep him alive this way much longer...we would have to take him off life support and say goodbye...I lost it completely.....again. I was in no way ready to let my big brother go from this earth and our mortal life and family....but I had to anyway.  They took him off pretty much all the machines except the ventilator and an IV with morphine to keep him comfortable, as we sat and spent our last moments with him.  As they were doing this I went up and stroked his hair and told him things his mortal ears may not of heard but I believe his spirit ones did.  They gave us all the time we needed to let him go before taking him off life support.  We sat/stood around his bed, my mom stroking his hair lovingly and holding his hand, crying endless tears.  I held his other hand and wept, wishing with every fiber of my being for a miracle that was just not meant to be.  I knew it wasn't but I couldn't stop hoping anyway.  I love my big brother so so so much!  He is such a big part of who I am. I've always looked up to him.  I've admired him and never once even considered that he wouldn't be here on earth with me, so it's a hard shock to work through.  Around 6 o'clock he was taken off life support per family request.  I sat and watched this man I often thought of as invincible drift away. His breathing eventually stopped and shortly thereafter his heart stopped as well(you could watch his heartbeat through his neck...it was working that hard) and at that moment I had no more siblings on this earth with me, but I have a sister and now brother watching out for me from the other side. Tony and I and my parents met up with our bishop in the lobby of the hospital as we left.....all of Eric's "stuff" in our arms. We chatted with him for a bit, then my parents went to their car and Tony went and got our car, and as we loaded up Eric's stuff in the back the relief society president and her husband saw us and gave us their condolences.  I cried as we drove toward Ketty's house to pick up our kiddos. Ironically it was raining. We visited with Ketty and Johnny for a bit then went home. I felt numb....everything felt wrong in this new world/life without my big brother and only sibling. I cried through most of the night, I felt so broken.....so lost.....so alone.
I miss my brother terribly....words cannot begin to express. Some days I just can't stop crying, the other days I'm too numb to cry. I'm so thankful to my dear Tony who held me up when I had nothing left to give. He was my rock as I repeatedly fell apart. He was always there for me when I needed him, on the worst day of my life.
 Goodbye Eric, I'll love you forever big brother!     

Side Effects And The Past Week

Ok so this past Friday after Elizabeth and I finished school my mom took me and my kids to Arctic Circle for lunch so they could play and get some of their endless energy out. It was a nice "out" and my mom and I had a good visit. That night was Elizabeth's favorite dinner, pizza! After dinner I left the kids with Tony and my parents and I went to several fabric stores in search of Frozen fabric. My mom has oh so graciously agreed to make a weighted blanket for Elizabeth(it helps with her SPD) We found just what we were looking for at JoAnns! It's going to be such a cute blanket!! Saturday morning Tony's dad met us at the credit union and took our kids while Tony and I met with our financial adviser. Then we picked up our kids and ran a couple errands, then stopped by a couple model homes, just for fun. Then we went back to Tony's parent's house and gave the kids lunch. A little while later Tony's parents again kindly watched our kiddos while Tony and I went to Desert Star and saw "Pirates of the Caribbean" which was actually really funny! After we went back to Tony's parents house and Tony worked on changing the breaks on the van. He had a bit of trouble at first as the van's breaks are different than the pilots so he had to watch a You Tube video. His parents kindly fed us dinner then Tony got the front breaks changed. Then we called it a day. I should mention about Friday Elizabeth's anxiety symptoms starting going through the rough and by Saturday they went through the atmosphere! She was literally an emotional disaster. Everything was setting her off....it was scary and very difficult. So Sunday we didn't give her the ADHD meds, but it took her a couple days to come down off it. Sunday Tony's tummy was giving him problems as well so between him and Elizabeth(and Devin was off because Elizabeth was acting so emotional) we decided not to take our issues to church. We stayed home and cleaned and rearranged our place. The last little while I've realized that I don't really need a dedicated school room as it's just as easy to do it in the kitchen/living room, so we turned the front room(that was the school room) into an awesome play room! We moved all their toys in there, set up the little trampoline and slide and it's a very fun room now! We moved our desk into the living room area as well as Elizabeth's desk. I LOVE the new arrangement! It works soooooo much better! Sunday we had dinner with my parents which was delicious! Then we all watched Despicable Me 2 for family movie night.....I think my dad liked it the most! Monday Elizabeth's anxiety symptoms came back to a normalish range(which is still more than most kids but...) and her focus was gone and she was back to bouncing off the walls. I called the pediatricians office and Dr. Sandvig wasn't in but they left a message for the dr covering for her. She called me back later that afternoon and told me it was a good decision to take Liz off the meds as they obviously weren't right for her. She told me Dr, Sandvig would call and talk to me the next day. At this point I started looking at the possibilities of treating Liz's symptoms with a more natural approach. I've heard wonderful things about essential oils in my online support groups so I started looking into that, as well as going gluten free as that has also been proven to help ADHD behaviors. I connected with some great ladies in our ward who do the DoTerra essential oils, who agreed to talk with me about them. That night Elizabeth had a great time in her theater class as they started working on the  "It's a Hard Knock Life" song....which she LOVES! She already had the words memorized and she's almost got the whole routine/dance that goes with it down too! Tuesday I failed to look at the preschool calendar, so when we got there we discovered there was no school due to a "professional Day". Devin was thrilled!(probably more so than he should have been!!) So we went back home and did Elizabeth's school while Devin played in the wonderful playroom. Then the two gals came by and talked to us about this essential oil thang. That evening Dr. Sandvig called back and we talked about the severe adverse reaction to the Concerta. She said we might have better luck with a medication to treat the anxiety instead, but they too come with their own set of side effects, that may require additional meds to help with....and this is why a more natural route sounds so appealing to me. I remember all the horrid side effects of my medications when I was younger....some were worth it, others were really not. I'm not anit-medication by any means, but I'm not anti-natural remedies either. Honestly in the end I think we're going to end up with a combination of them, I just want to be open minded about it all, and find what works best with the least amount of trade off for negative effects for my gorgeous little girl. Man what a day it was. I discussed everything with Tony and he completely agrees with me. It's so hard to know what's best! Wednesday was a typical day, I used the sample oils that I was left with to see if they would have any effect. And surprisingly it did seem to help a bit. Elizabeth got through school without too much trouble(which is a big deal for us!) Even Devin seemed a bit more grounded. That evening was Bravo classes, and Devin actually tried swinging on the rope, for the first time! He didn't last super long but she hasn't even been able to get him ON the rope(besides to get his picture taken, so he knew they couldn't push it and make it swing), we were both so proud of him!! When we got home my dad watched the kids while Tony and I went to the Credit Union to finish up some business, which took WAY longer than we thought it would. They only had 3 of the 6 people they usually have working, so they wait was long...in fact we didn't even get seen until 5 minutes before closing. Then we got a gal who was new so she wasn't sure exactly how to do what we needed done, and messed it up the first time and had to call in help to get it fixed. But eventually it was all taken care of! Yesterday Devin was actually excited for preschool! Of course it WAS dinosaur day....he demanded to wear his dinosaur shirt and he got to bring one of his little toy dinosaurs to class! When I went to pick him up they said he actually had a harder than usual day, and had quite a few meltdowns, and that transitions(which aren't usually a big problem, since their schedule is consistent) were pretty rough. :/ Just goes to show that ANY change, even good ones are hard for Devin to adapt to! That afternoon Devin had a haircut at cookie cutters, then the kids demanded we go visit grandma and grandpa Walker! I had a good visit with my grandma while the kids played and visited with her here and there too. We always end up spending a couple hours there! We came home and had pizza for dinner as we have to go grocery shopping tonight, and it was actually a great thing because Elizabeth was in the process of working herself into a frenzy in the car on the way home, until I mentioned we were having pizza for dinner and all the sudden life was worth living again! Whew!! And that was our week.
I'm trying really hard to find a way to just skip over next week....I wish it had never happened last year and I don't think I ever want an end of January/beginning of February ever again......and I'm crying.....if I just don't think about it.......I'll just focus on our super fun, surprise included vacation in a couple weeks. This time 2 weeks from now we'll have the happiest kids in the world! So I'll just focus on their future happiness and the joy it will bring me too. There that's helping....a little.

Here is a video of the kids having some fun at their grandma and grandpa's house last Saturday.


Pictures of the playroom and living room.
Cleaning up!

Shadow, toy shelf and tuck the turtle.

Our new shoe bench/rack we got from IKEA...we love it!

More cleaning...

Our little "mudroom" corner. We got the black shoe bins from IKEA and my mom did the labels on her silhouette. :)

It's clean!!

The school bookcase and living room.

This Week and Elizabeth's Diagnosis....

This was a pretty crazy week! Monday was school and Theater class, Tuesday was preschool/school and in the afternoon I dropped Devin off with my cousin Mary and Liz and I went to her pediatrician for a behavior consult. So for almost a couple years now we've known something was up with our Miss Elizabeth's behavior, and a little over a year ago she was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but her pediatrician thought it was more than just that and told me she suspected ADHD. So we tried treating her behavior with modification techniques and by taking her to see a child psychologist, and we did this for a whole year, but her behavior and symptoms have only worsened over the last year, so at Elizaebth's wellness check a few months ago we talked a little about it and decided to schedule a consult. At the consult We re-evaluated Liz for ADHD(we had only done the paper eval last year), this year she scored even higher for ADHD and Dr. Sandvig also did a behavior evaluation, which also placed her at having severe ADHD. While she was doing that she noticed some sensory things as well as some motor delays. She told me she highly suspected  Elizabeth too has SPD(sensory processing disorder) and referred us to get an OT(occupational therapy) evaluation. She also strongly urged me to start Elizabeth on some medication for her severe ADHD. She told me it wasn't fair to Liz to expect her to act in a way she was literally incapable of acting(due to the ADHD) and that I'd done my best to treat it without meds and it just didn't work.....because she NEEDS them. This was really hard for me, I really didn't want to medicate my 6 year old.....but her pediatrician made a really good point that I just couldn't argue with, so reluctantly I agreed to put Liz on Concerta(which I myself have actually been on and loved....I should probably go on it again too! ;) ) We're really hoping it will help her feel more calm and be able to focus more when she needs to. I should add that I couldn't hear out of my left ear all that day, it was really annoying! Wednesday morning I called my ENT and got an appointment for that afternoon at 3(or else I was going to have to wait two more weeks....um no thank you!) Then I called the Primary Children's Outpatient Rehab Clinic in Bountiful to schedule Liz's OT evaluation. They told me they just had a cancellation in Taylorsville at 10am(it was 8:30.....it takes 45min-an hour to get to Taylorsville, and no one was dressed yet) and they wanted me to try and get there 15-20 minutes early to fill out paperwork(that I'm such a pro at now!), but since it could be more than a month before another appointment became available I took it! It was a super crazy rushed morning(that neither of my kids handled well) but we managed to get there about ten minutes early(kicking and screaming!). The OT eval showed that Elizabeth does indeed have SPD, she's about half seeker(needs lots of sensory input) and half avoider(can't handle very much input) this is possible because they look at 7 senses(sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch, vestibular, which is where you feel dizzy, balanced and such and proprioceptive which is knowing where your body and parts are in the space around you) Liz was seeker in a form of touch, vestibular, proprioceptive and oral/taste. She was avoider in sight, hearing and smell, and another type of touch. The evaluation also showed that Elizabeth has Dyspraxia, which is essentially when you struggle with the gross and fine motor skills on one side of your body, in her case the right side of her body. The thing is if one side doesn't work right you can't do things that require both sides of your body to work together. So she was given a referral to do OT and then if needed PT(physical therapy). We'll do those in Bountiful though as it's MUCH closer, though the therapist who did her evaluation really wished we lived closer so she could be Liz's OT. :) We got home about one had lunch, the kids played for an hour then it was off to the ENT. My ear was "full of crap!" and because of that I had a 25% hearing loss in that ear, and there was so much "crap" we had to go to the procedure room so he could use the little vacuum to suck most of it out(oh how I HATE that thing!!!). He told me that my ear was very infected and that there was possibly a hole in my eardrum.....awesome....;/  Then he put antibiotic drops in my ear, sent an oral and drops antibiotic prescription to Walgreens then we were done and off to Bravo where we just made it in time for piano and tumbling. After classes we went and picked up my meds and went home....oh my what a day!!! After we put the kids to bed Tony and I went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner! Today Devin went to preschool with just a little whining, and Elizabeth did so well for school we were able to make up some of the work we missed yesterday! After lunch, Elizabeth did a little more school(WOW!) then got in the bathtub and played all afternoon. Devin played in is room for a bit...tried to con his way out of naptime, got upset when I didn't go for it, I calmed him down and he fell asleep(too bad he was "really really nots tired" that's exactly what he whined over and over before he fell asleep ;) ) No big plans for tomorrow except Liz's favorite pizza night! I'll have to add this weekend to the next post. Sorry no pics....gotta get better about that!

The First Week and a Half of 2015!

New Years day we ventured to IKEA with my mom to pick up some organizational things we needed for our "shoes, coats and stuff" area and Devin's room. We got there just after they opened so the kids area wasn't crowded....yet so the kids were thrilled to get to go play and it made it so much easier for us adults to look at what we wanted to. My mom and I picked them up as Tony was getting the last couple things and then we checked out, Tony took the stuff to the car while the kids, my mom and I watched some Tom and Jerry by the playland, then we went upstairs and got a delicious lunch! We stopped by Lowes real fast on our way home to pick up a cube organizer shelf for Devin's room then came home and did some things we needed to get done! Friday Tony took the day off work so we took the kids to the theater(I kinda wanted to test my theory about what movies Devin can make it through) so we saw Penguins of Madagascar. It was a really funny and cute movie! And my theory stands, as Devin did great the whole time! Then we spent the rest of the afternoon going to stores as I searched for a new pair of shoes(for the best price of course). I ended up getting awesome sketcher sneakers with memory foam(my feet will have never been happier) and because they had a bogo 1/2 off I also got a new pair of black church shoes that are made like crocks....but seriously look like nice black flats, they too are so comfy! Saturday we did our grocery shopping then just did some things around the house like take down Christmas, finally! Sunday after church we met Jen and Daniel at the cemetery to change out the decorations on the headstones....it was literally freezing though so we didn't stay long!
Last week we had to get back into the school schedule again, and it was not easy! But they actually adjusted pretty well....considering it's them. ;) Monday Elizabeth started school back up(we had a short 4 day week to ease her into it), my good friend Kim came up with her super cute little boy and visited for a bit and we gave her(more like her little boy) a little rocking horse Devin is way too big for. Then Elizabeth had theater class, which she reported having a blast! She even got the coveted "singing necklace" for knowing all the words to the two songs they're working on, and only two of them got it so she was really proud of herself! Tuesday Devin did ok with going back to preschool, what made it not a nightmare was the fact that they're learning about dinosaurs this month and Devin was intrigued so he didn't put up much of a fight at drop off....for once! Wednesday was a typical school day and Bravo classes in the afternoon. Thursday was a typical day, but that night after I got Devin out of the tub I noticed red welt looking spots on his face and rashes on his back, tummy arms and bum so when Tony got home if was off to Insta Care for him and I. The red on his face was an allergic reaction to some body paint he got for Christmas(darn his super sensitive skin!) and the other rashes were a really bad flare up of his Eczema. Friday I set up a playdate with Elizabeth's friend Phenley in the morning. Elizabeth was so excited about it she was up about 6am! :/ about 9:30 we went to Walgreens to pick up some special cream for Devin's Eczema flare up, then went to Phenley's house. Those two are the best of friends! It helps they're both ADHD and SPD(Elizabeth's anxiety throws her over the top some times, but I can usually get her through it) Devin found a Leap Pad(tablet) and was sucked in and good to go...though he did parallel play a little bit with the girls. Anne and I can talk for hours....and we do every time we get together! We were there from 10-4!!! The kids were totally ready, it's Anne and I that kept jabbering on and on! It was a really good day though I love being able to have adult conversation with someone who has so much in common with me!(aka homeschool, special needs kids ect) It was a great day! That night was pizza dinner night which Elizabeth looks forward to all week! Saturday we did our grocery shopping in the morning, and in the afternoon we went to our niece Maddison's first birthday party. We shared dinner with my parents and watched "The Life of Walter Mitty" after the kids were in bed. It was a good show! Sunday we were late for church because Elizabeth misplaced her CTR ring, we were unable to find it before we just had to leave, she was super bummed but such is life. Devin begged to go back to nursery, and was pretty sad when I left him in the primary room, but Elizabeth said "he didn't whine too long, cause he like the songs like me! They make us feel happy!!" Good to know! :) Our class went well and while we were waiting to go into the primary room I attempted to hide so Devin wouldn't see me and want me.....but as he came out he actually sought me out and ran to me. I gave him a hug and told him to run to class, which he looked at me hesitantly about, but did as I asked. After church both kids were reported as being good in class....YAY!!! And just minutes after we got home Elizabeth found her CTR ring in one of the cup holders between the recliners!(of course no one thought to look there!!) We got the kids lunch and put on a Veggie Tales movie then had a bit to eat ourselves. The home teachers came an hour after church and we had a good visit with them. And that was the week!

At the cemetery, the guys had to do move the snow away from the headstones.

 

Then my mom put on the new "winterish" decorations.

I think it looks really good what with all the snow around it and all.

The kids pretty much automatically line up for a picture now....is that sad?

Our GORGEOUS Elizabeth!

She's sooooooo freezing!

Oh how I LOVE those big beautiful eyes!! I don't get to see them nearly as much as I'd like to!

This is more typical of what I get to look at! ;)

Miss Elizabeth helping cook breakfast on Sunday morning. :)

New Years Eve Party!

For New Years Eve we now have the tradition of having a fondue dinner, which we love! This year my mom did some fun countdown activities for the kids and adults too! Each hour they got a new fun activity, like a 2014 in review, or a coloring activity and such. We decided to have the kids celebrate New years with the folks in the Eastern time zone, so'd they be to bed a bit after 10, and it worked really well! My mom provided the adults with some fun 2014 year in review quizzes that we had a good time with. Jen and Daniel had dinner with us and stayed to visit and play for a bit before heading home, as Jen had to work the next morning. My mom once again did an awesome job decorating! It was a fantastic night! I'll let the pictures  tell the story.

The awesome table and food set-up!

Elizabeth did a great job keeping an eye on the time(my mom got a little clock they had and set the time back two hours) she made sure they got the bags ON THE HOUR!!! ;) The goodies in the first bag were from my Uncle Chester and they loved their balls, drawing pads and crayons!

My mom made a box with holes to throw their balls into...or course the little boys ended up just playing in it! :)

Tony kept them occupied for a while with his new automatic shooting toy gun....they seriously LOVE retrieving the bullets!

Time for another bag!(this one had a fun "about my 2014" questionnaire to fill out, definitely keeping them for when the kids grow up, as some of their answers were priceless!!

These were from another bag full of fun!

If you're wondering those Nano bug toys are what kept Tony, my parent's and I entertained until countdown time! :)

The big boys with their toy guns....

The kids in their cute hats my mom made!

Silly Elizabeth!

The last bag had the noise makers!!!

Fun streamers and poppers!!

And last but certainly not least the video of the countdown!