Goodbye For Now Dear Brother

So this is a post I've had in draft for the past year, I haven't been strong enough to post it.....but I think it's time and I now need to for my own healing.....though I will never be whole again in this life.

After Devin's epic fail GI appointment Wednesday morning I went to IMC to see my brother...I hadn't been able to bring myself to go back to that hospital that holds some really awful memories for me, and I couldn't bring myself to see my invincible big brother so sick and weak and well...yellow. I'm so glad I faced my mental daemons and spent the day "with" him and my family.  He only had one coherent moment with me.  My mom stayed with Devin out in the waiting room while I went in to see him for the first time since Christmas....my dad and Jen were already in there.  I made it about three steps into the room before completely breaking down...completely.  I couldn't and didn't want to admit it but I knew in that moment I was loosing my big brother from this mortal life, and the feeling of a semi-truck hitting me full on at freeway speeds hit me, and I could barely breath among the sobs.  At that moment he looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes that my Devin boy has and I knew he was coherent(as much as he could be at that point) and I pulled myself together and told him that he looked like the Hulk...only completely the wrong color.  He chuckled a ever so tiny of a chuckle with not so much a smile as a smirk and told me "ya".  That was my last real moment with my big brother.  The rest of the day was a roller coaster of hope and loss of hope.  Tony came and got Devin as we were finishing up lunch in the cafeteria(which I ate very little of), and took him to pick up Elizabeth from my cousin Mary's house. Eric at that time was having an Endoscopy done to see if they could find any internal bleeding in that area of his body.  They had great hope of fixing Eric at that point, after the procedure the hope dwindled exceedingly, and I completely fell apart again. I was in no way the rock through this process, that title would go more to my dad and mom. Jen and I held on to each other as we walked back to his room, he was now on a ventilator along with about 20 IV's and constant dialysis machine. They told us to have family come at this time so calls were sent out and many of our family came, and we cried together and there was an unspoken mutual feeling that this was goodbye to our favorite red head. Somewhere in here I text Tony that Eric was dying and that I needed him, so he rushed back to IMC with our kiddos in tow.  I tried to protect Elizabeth from knowing what was happening until I knew how to talk to her about it but it was unnecessary as she is as she has always been too smart for her own good.  As I situated them in the waiting room away from everyone else Elizabeth said to me, "Uncle Eric is dying.  That's why everyone is so sad." So I told her yes he was, and she told me she was really going to miss him and that he was the best tickler ever. I held my gorgeous girl tightly and told her that I was really going to miss him too, and that it was ok to feel sad.  Ketty being the AMAZING person she is came and took our kids with her.  Tony told me that Elizabeth told her that Uncle Eric was dying...but it's okay because he'll be resurrected, and we'll see him again.  Oh the wonderful faith of my five year old! Around 5:30 we were told that he was being kept alive only by machines and that it would be respectful to him to not keep him alive this way much longer...we would have to take him off life support and say goodbye...I lost it completely.....again. I was in no way ready to let my big brother go from this earth and our mortal life and family....but I had to anyway.  They took him off pretty much all the machines except the ventilator and an IV with morphine to keep him comfortable, as we sat and spent our last moments with him.  As they were doing this I went up and stroked his hair and told him things his mortal ears may not of heard but I believe his spirit ones did.  They gave us all the time we needed to let him go before taking him off life support.  We sat/stood around his bed, my mom stroking his hair lovingly and holding his hand, crying endless tears.  I held his other hand and wept, wishing with every fiber of my being for a miracle that was just not meant to be.  I knew it wasn't but I couldn't stop hoping anyway.  I love my big brother so so so much!  He is such a big part of who I am. I've always looked up to him.  I've admired him and never once even considered that he wouldn't be here on earth with me, so it's a hard shock to work through.  Around 6 o'clock he was taken off life support per family request.  I sat and watched this man I often thought of as invincible drift away. His breathing eventually stopped and shortly thereafter his heart stopped as well(you could watch his heartbeat through his neck...it was working that hard) and at that moment I had no more siblings on this earth with me, but I have a sister and now brother watching out for me from the other side. Tony and I and my parents met up with our bishop in the lobby of the hospital as we left.....all of Eric's "stuff" in our arms. We chatted with him for a bit, then my parents went to their car and Tony went and got our car, and as we loaded up Eric's stuff in the back the relief society president and her husband saw us and gave us their condolences.  I cried as we drove toward Ketty's house to pick up our kiddos. Ironically it was raining. We visited with Ketty and Johnny for a bit then went home. I felt numb....everything felt wrong in this new world/life without my big brother and only sibling. I cried through most of the night, I felt so broken.....so lost.....so alone.
I miss my brother terribly....words cannot begin to express. Some days I just can't stop crying, the other days I'm too numb to cry. I'm so thankful to my dear Tony who held me up when I had nothing left to give. He was my rock as I repeatedly fell apart. He was always there for me when I needed him, on the worst day of my life.
 Goodbye Eric, I'll love you forever big brother!