Devin's 15 Month Check-up

Tuesday was Devin's 15 month wellness visit and it was...pretty good.  He's a pretty healthy boy.  He was a whopping 33 inches tall which was like the 95th percentile, I was right on with his weight which was 23 1/2 pounds, 30th%, and his head circumference is down to the 95%tile!  His check up was going really well, heart..good, lungs..clear..reflexes..good, eyes, ears, throat...all good.  Physically he is very healthy.  Then she started asking the developmental questions and he quickly fell further and further behind.  He's at least 3-6 months behind in every area of development.  I must admit this was really disheartening to hear...I know it's not my fault but I just can't help but feel like I'm failing my beautiful boy...that I'm not doing enough for him...though really I'm doing everything I can think of.  So we just talked about Devin, we played and talked and chilled, that's when she noticed his poor eye contact(which has been a red flag with his therapists as well) it didn't take long for her concern to become apparent.  She told me she completely agrees with his OT's concern about Autism, and told me to make an appointment at the Child Development Clinic immediately to get him fully evaluated and officially diagnosed, so we can get him the help he needs.  Though it wasn't sudden, or even new news...somehow hearing it from his pediatrician made it more real, and my heart just fell through the floor, and felt like it shattered.  I think a part of me has been internally denying that there could be anything wrong with my perfect boy and hearing it from her just solidified it in a way I couldn't deny it, even internally.  I still am not totally sure of all the feelings I'm having...there are just too many really.  What scares me the most is the unknown...will Devin ever come to understand me or people in general?  Are things going to get easier or harder?  He's only one and I don't hardly understand him at all...what about when he's three or five or twelve?  Sometimes he just falls totally apart and I don't have the faintest clue why or how to help him...I just sit there and watch him scream and squirm...feeling totally and utterly helpless...anything I do to help him only makes it worse.  Talking to Devin is often like talking to the wall, he usually doesn't look at you and if he does meet your eyes, his soon wander, he shows no signs of understanding...no smile...no scream, except for maybe "no" to which he might scream or cry and "boo" to which he might smile or laugh.  He's just starting to respond to his name and he's still not real consistent.  It's hard enough not being called "ma ma" and wondering if he really gets who I am...but that he might not even understand who he is...is almost unbearable.  Don't get me wrong he's a smart boy in his own right and if he wants to he can figure just about anything out...especially if a button is involved, or a cookie!  But if there is one thing Devin CAN do it's smile!  His smile makes everything better...makes everything ok and right in the world!  When he smiles you CAN'T NOT smile...not matter how sad, tired, upset or frustrated you might be at the time.  He smiles at you and you smile and usually laugh back...you just can't help it!  I love my beautiful boy no matter where the road before us leads, and I will always love him, and I know whatever challenges we may face in the future, we are both very loved by many, and have the support of many.  And most of all that with the help of our Father in Heaven we can get though anything...I have a feeling I'm going to be getting a lot of help from Him throughout Devin's life.  I did Devin's initial evaluation over the phone with the Child Development Clinic yesterday and he qualified for all services they offered...I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not.  I mean of course it's good he's going to get so much help...but the the fact that he needs so much help frightens me a bit. But I guess we'll just see, right?  Oh and the last part of his appointment we discussed his lack of diet...you see as of now he only eats crunchy type things(cheerios, animal crackers ect) and bread type things(bread, buns, rolls) and that's most of his diet...he does also eat chicken nuggets and sometimes fishsticks(we're thinking color may play a part as well as he seems to prefer tanish colored things)  He drinks milk and juice, and random other things inconsistently but for the most part he's living on cheerios, bread and milk.  Which obviously isn't going to cut it, and as he seems to like less and less as time goes on, so his pediatrician recommended  he start feeding therapy also through DDI Vantage.  So at least I can't say he's not getting any help!  He's in speech, physical, occupational, and now feeding therapy, isn't it wonderful the help available these days?!  And they are always the most amazing and wonderful people too!  So ultimately we truly are blessed!
(If you made it all the way through my rant, kudos!)